Are you listening to your child when he’s talking to you? I mean LISTEN ATTENTIVELY. Or are you jumping the gun and trying to give answers in the fastest time possible and get over with?
To best illustrate the point, I’ll give you some examples. The examples show, in the same situation, how you respond and listen when your kid talks can make a big difference in your kid’s growth and self-esteem.
Take a look at the conversations below and identify which style you are.
Don’t be surprised that you might do it incorrectly.
We will look firstly at what not to say to kids when life is treating them badly.
There are three ways that parents typically react, that cause the barriers to go up:
Patronizing
‘How was your day?’
‘Bad!’
‘Oh, you poor thing. Come and tell me all about it.’
‘We had this new teacher for maths. And I couldn’t keep up.’
‘Well , that’s really awful. Do you want me to help you with the work after tea?’
‘I didn’t bring it home.’
‘Perhaps I could ring the school tomorrow and talk to the principal?’
‘Oh, well; I dunno…’
‘I think it’s best to get to the bottom of things before it gets worse, don’t you?’
‘Well, err…mmm.’
‘I wouldn’t want your education to suffer.’
‘Uh-huh.’
Lecturing
‘How was your day?’
‘Bad!’
‘Well, you’re a fine one to complain. I’d love to be able to spend my day learning, having a nice easy time.’
‘Well, we had a hard time. We’ve got this stupid new maths teacher…’
‘Now don’t you go talking about your teachers in that tone. If you paid a bit more attention you’d be better off, my boy. You think you should have everything on a plate!’
‘Hmm.’
Distracting
‘How was your day?’
‘Bad!’
‘Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad was it? Have a sandwich?’
‘Thanks. I’m a bit worried about maths…’
‘Well. You’re no Einstein, but neither are your Mum ‘n’ Dad. You go and put the TV on and don’t let it get you down…’
‘Uh-huh.’
Up to now, from the above examples, you can see that parents do most of the talking. And the child doesn’t get the chance to talk about the real problem. After the conversation, he feels even more lost.
Now look at a different approach…
Active listening
‘How was your day?’
‘Bad!’
‘You look really unhappy. What went wrong?’
‘Aw, we’ve got a new teacher for maths. He goes too fast.’
‘You’re worried you won’t be able to keep up?’
‘Yes. I asked him to explain part of it and he said just to pay more attention.’
‘Hmmm… How did you feel about that?’
‘Really wild – the other kids all stirred me… but they’re having trouble too!’
‘So you’re angry that you got into trouble because you piped up first?’
‘Yes, I don’t like getting shown up in front of everyone.’
‘What do you think you’ll do?’
‘I’m not sure, I suppose I could ask him again, when the class is over.’
‘You think that would work better?’
‘Yes, then I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed. And I think he’s a bit nervous, too. Maybe that’s why he rushes.’
‘You can understand it from his point of view?’
‘Yeah, I reckon he’s just nervous of us.’
‘No wonder, teaching such smart kids like you!’
‘Yeah!’
In such cases parents are far from silent: they are interested, and show it by confirming their child’s feelings and thoughts and by helping the child to think it through. Using this approach:
- Parents rarely give remedies or attempt to rescue (“I’ll cal the school”) – unless this is clearly necessary;
- They rarely advise (“You should ask for help”) – unless the child really need information;
- They rarely distract the child from the problem (“Oh well, have a sandwich”) – unless the child is a chronic whinger!
In fact, the examples above are taken from The Secret of Happy Children by Steve Biddulph, an Australian family therapist for over 20 years. I find it so good that I have to share with you. You may want to get a copy of this book. It is easy to read, practical, and humorous. Other important topics Steve discusses in the book include stopping tantrums before they start, curing shyness in children, the one thing that children really want and more.