Parenting Q&A

Q: MY THREE-YEAR-OLD son does not want to mix with children his age. He refuses to go to kids’ birthday parties and throws a tantrum when we insist on taking him to one. I am rather worried as I plan to enrol him in a kindergarten soon. How do I tackle this problem, and how do I manage his angry outbursts?

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Question: As I’m a single mother (my husband and I have been a part from the time I was 7 months pregnant with my daughter), how do I answer my daughter (she’s 2 years and 8 months) if and when she asks me about her father — without confusing her and making her feel that it’s her fault.

I am so afraid that she will blame herself for her father’s irresponsibility. So far I have never mentioned her father to her. And as she has never seen him before, it has not been an issue yet. I’m just trying to prepare myself when she starts asking questions.

Singlemom

Answer: You are right about the need to prepare answers for your child regarding her father. At every stage of her life, she will have different questions about her family. Your answers should be tailored according to her level of understanding. At two years, she may want to know whether she has a daddy. Your answer should be “Yes. You have a daddy. He is not with us right now.” When she gets older, she may want to know more. You can start to give her the answers that are appropriate to her questions. Do not taint your answers with your negative feelings towards her father. This may further complicate the issues of not having her father around.

If you do not involve your child in your animosity with your ex-spouse, your child will not get hurt or blame herself for the divorce. As your child grows, you must work towards bringing her up confident and independent. She can grow up feeling loved, supported and secure in your single parent home environment.

Join a single-parent support group. You can find good help in single parents who have gone through the challenges of raising children on their own.

Ruth Liew is an expert in early childhood education, child development, parenting, and child care. She is also an author and a columnist.

See also:
Blog: Diary of a Single Mom on the Edge

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Q. My 4-year-old youngest daughter is a very picky eater. She won’t try a food if she doesn’t want to, which includes just about every vegetable, no matter how it is prepared. She’d rather go to bed early than eat even a bite of something I’ve prepared, and once she indeed did go to bed at 6 p.m. and stayed there. If I prepare a meal with several foods and she doesn’t eat any of it, is it acceptable to allow her to have a healthy snack before bedtime or the next meal? If she asks, can she have yogurt an hour after a meal that she skipped? Should I be disciplining her with timeout or an early bedtime for not eating any of a meal? Do I insist she try at least one spoonful of everything offered, and how do I enforce this?

She has an appetite for candy, cookies and ice cream just about anytime, so it’s clearly not an issue of her not being hungry. Help!

A. Many children are picky eaters, and as long as your family physician isn’t concerned about her normal growth, you shouldn’t worry too much. It’s best not to make food into a battle, but it is your responsibility as a parent to teach and model healthy eating.

Serve your daughter small portions of the food you’re serving the rest of the family. Ideally, that should include at least one food she likes. If she tries a little of each food, she may have her dessert. If not, she should skip dessert and wait for the next meal. A healthy snack before bedtime qualifies as a mini-meal, but yogurt or anything else an hour after a meal doesn’t. If she prefers not to eat anything and would like to be excused from the table, that also works.

Four-year-olds don’t sit for long periods of time, and there’s not much sense in her collecting family attention with her pouting and complaining. The rest of the family can now enjoy the meal, and it would be good for her to hear casual positive comments from the rest of the family about how delicious the food is. Also, if she hears laughter and good conversation coming from the dining table, she’ll be more likely to realize she’s missing out on fun family togetherness.

She should definitely not be having any sweets if she’s not eating healthy foods. Pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Gordon suggested offering her water instead of food if she prefers not to eat. If there’s no battle, eventually her hunger will win out and she’ll join you in eating healthy food. When it does, avoid commenting as though her eating is anything special, and gradually she’ll eat more normally. If you praise her eating or bring attention to it, she may feel she’s lost the food battle with you. Food itself and good company at the table should be enough to encourage her. Sometimes it’s difficult to bring the youngest child into family conversation, and her food refusal could be the only way she can attract family attention.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com.
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Question: My son is soon to be four years old. I want to send him to a kindergarten programme but I find it difficult to do so because he has a problem with toilet training.

He does not like to sit on the potty for his bowel movement. I am worried that this may cause him much embarrassment at the kindergarten.

He has been toilet-trained but he started to soil his pants again recently. I do not want to force him to sit on the potty. He had constipation for days after I made him use the potty. He felt really awkward and uncomfortable.

So, now I tell him in a gentle manner to sit on the potty by himself and call for my help when he is done. It worked until recently. How should I handle this?

Answer: Just when you think your child is going to be completely toilet-trained, the process suddenly halts. Your child refuses to sit on the potty. Many children around this age will undergo similar situation when they are around preschool age. It may be due to stress or struggles in parent-child relationship.

Some children may regress in their toilet-learning when there is a new sibling or they are making the transition to school. You must find out the cause of your child’s anxiety. In your case, it does sound like your son seems a little worried with your plans for him to start kindergarten.

As children grow and develop, they feel excited about their new skills but at the same time, they can feel insecure about the changes. While they are eager to please their parents, they also want to have their own way. They feel powerful yet they still cling on to some of their babyish behaviour. This is not the time for too much pushing and forcing.

If you are bossy and demanding with your child at this stage, you will contribute to his toileting problems. To help him overcome this dilemma, you must start by recognizing your child’s needs to do what he can do at his own pace. To get him back on track with the toilet-learning process, you must be patient with him. It is in his time and not yours.

Motivate him with positive reinforcements such as praises and small rewards when he succeeds in using the potty to do his bowel business. If he should have an accident, do not scold or make a fuss over the issue. Once he is confident and in control of things, he will be ready to go to kindergarten.

Ruth Liew is an expert in early childhood education, child development, parenting, and child care. She is also an author and a columnist.
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Parenting Question: I have a 21-month old son. He was looked after by my mother-in-law since he was 17 months-old. Then she fell ill and could no longer care for him. So we sent him to a babysitter near our house. The babysitter is also taking care of another child who is three years old. This boy loves to watch Ultraman videos and has lots of Ultraman toys. I am against the idea of play themes with violence.

My husband and I do not allow our son to watch any violent action movies. He does not own a toy gun or a sword. He is very disciplined and obedient. But recently, he has become rather stubborn and demanding. If he does not get want he wants, he will say “beat Mummy” or “beat Daddy” or beat anything that he dislikes.

I do not know if my son learned this from the little boy at the babysitter’s. How can we discipline our son without spanking him?

Concerned parent of one

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